I used only feminine pronouns while leading worship. And that shit was healing.

Queer worship I’m still a worship leader. Weird, huh? It’s hard because we now are asking the question of who or what was I “worshiping?” What does that even mean to “worship God in song?” What’s the point? . It’s still triggering for a lot of folks to enter Christian spaces of worship, even affirming ones because something about singing in groups triggers the memories of rejection, suppression, depression, sadness, and death. And that’s okay! If you don’t wanna get into spaces like that anymore, you don’t need to.

For me, though, I needed music and singing and worship to heal me because, in my book, music and singing is big magic. And I think given the right container, Spirit can use it to heal it. . Odd as it is, gift Pentecostalism gave me was expressive worship. And it was powerful not because people are holier in that space, but because music moves the soul. Period, that’s just a fact. And moving the body begins to shift the energy in the body, making us able to feel more connected to Spirit.

Take a yoga class or a walk in nature and you know that’s true too. .

So in expressive worship spaces, I think we were creating a container for Spirit to move and Spirit did, for many of us. However, because we filtered that Presence thru our own lens of shame, we felt unworthy. And we were taught that if we felt unworthy then repentance was needed. . But when you’re queer, there is no repenting from your existence. You can’t change your mind about your gender or sexual orientation. But that’s what we are told. .

And so worship spaces become a container to soak in shame rather than come into peace and presence.

Couple that with the power of capitalism, and you have things like Bethel music, Hillsong, etc. using a powerful spiritual tool like singing and music, and reinforcing a fear and dependence on a wrathful illusion rather than getting free. .

If you’ve ever been in a room with other queer people worshiping, especially if the worship leader is queer, you know there is a difference. The first time I sang, “spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders” And meant it as an openly queer person, it was so healing. It means something different to say that as a queer person in a tradition that doesn’t welcome me.

But God...

Today at park ave Baptist, we sang an old fave, How He Loves Us. A fave of my missionary days, my YA ministry says, and days when I was so ashamed. But I changed the lyrics. Because so much of the sermon was centered around hearing the divine feminine voice of Goddess, I sang,

“She has been waiting for me.

Love like the ocean,

as deep as the sea.

Floating upon the waves of her cherished mercy.

All of a sudden, I am unaware of my afflictions eclipsed by glory.

And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.... .

Oh, how She loves us so.

Oh, how She loves us,

How she loves us so. .

She is our portion and We are Her light, Drawn to remembrance by the grace in her eyes.
If grace is an ocean, I wanna drink it in. .

Heaven meets earth on the horizon of bliss and my heart cracks open inside of my chest.

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way She loves us. Oh, how She loves us. Oh, how She loves us. Oh, how She loves...” .

I’m even tearing up as I type this because to have a Mother’s love is something I know.

My dad wasn’t around a lot growing up but my mama taught me who God was. She taught me to pray. And say thank you when strangers said they liked my singing. She didn’t always get it but she has always had my back as best she could.

My mother has shown me Christ. Time and time over. To say proclaiming God a Woman or Mother of Feminine is blasphemy is to declare the presence of every woman and mother blasphemy. And I call THAT a heresy.

Worship for me is no longer a declaration of my shittiness before a distant god, hoping he might maybe come fix me. It is now a portal of healing where I get to declare the truth do what God’s life feels like to me, in real life, in every second.

It’s an offering to me, and to my community. It’s a tool to unlock hurt and pour out in a way that moves the energy thru and out, making room for more peace and joy and love and belonging. The mistake we all made back in the day is that we were playing with all this powerful spiritual energy without grounding ourself.

And those of us who felt shame couldn’t bring it up and release it to a loving God because we thought God hated us. And those leading us did not do a good job of making sure folks had the spiritual care they needed in those moments of internal vulnerability.

My hope In all of my work is to give people of all faith or no faith a space to heal, and belong, to grow, and to know they are beloved here and now. And as I have the opportunity to lead worship and music and prayer and ritual circles and dance parties, I do so because for many it’s big magic, good medicine. It meant something to me when I was deeply Christian and I shouldn’t have to lose that connection just cause some people wrote some shitty songs with shitty lyrics about a shitty god who only loves us if we think we’re awful.

Toward the end of the song, I felt like it was our Mother saying, “I love you, oh how I love you, oh how I love you, how I love you so.”

And I then said, “let’s sing this to each other.”

Imagine that kind of Love, in you, in me, and how God gives it to is is this! Is thru you and me. The only way I know God loves me Is because I know You love Me, and I love You. Do you see?

So, beloved, If worship music still strikes a bad chord for you (🥁), that is OKAY. Don’t listen to it. But find some alternative hymns. Stevie Nicks, Ariana Grande, MUNA, Troye Sivan, Jamilia Woods, Hamilton, all these have been my worship leaders. Like seriously, sing “look around look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now!” As a declaration of love and life! It’ll get you SLAIN.

Dance around your apartment to Dreams by Fleetwood Mac. Do it! And tell me you don’t feel a little bit of SOMETHING moving. .

So for all you cool cats and kittens out there, just know that worship doesn’t have to be painful. There are ways to reclaim it, adapt it, to change perspective so that it becomes life giving again. If you want it. And just for the hell of it, try singing your fave hymns with She/Her pronouns. Just for fun. See what you feel.

I love you. Sing something that makes you happy today. .